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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28762437">of all the wonders</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourthdimnsion/pseuds/fourthdimnsion'>fourthdimnsion</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>burnout [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Breaking Bad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Episode: s04e09 Bug, Gen, Introspection, Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:07:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>906</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28762437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourthdimnsion/pseuds/fourthdimnsion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesse can't quite pinpoint why, after all that happened, he's the one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gustavo Fring &amp; Jesse Pinkman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>burnout [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117136</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>of all the wonders</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>nothing else to add, hope y'all enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“But why?” Jesse asks. </p><p>Gus doesn’t blink, it’s even scary. Jesse feels like he should ask properly within his stare.</p><p>“Why do you see something in me?”</p><p>That’s when he blinks, and Jesse feels relief although it doesn’t ease him in any matter. Mike had said that if he has any questions then he has to ask the man himself that generated them. Jesse didn’t think it’d be so terrifying to be in his house on his unpleasant daydreams, but there he is, facing the man himself. </p><p>He dryly swallows, and as much as he tries, there isn’t any hunger left that makes him want to taste the soup. He’s unquiet — so unquiet that his sense of politeness wonders if that’s too apparent either it’s a bother for Gus —, but he can’t help himself but move his hands, twirl the spoon, clench his fist under the table, do anything that helps coping with his own anxiety. Jesse doesn’t remember being this stressed in a long time back ago. </p><p>“I believe that you’re trying to say otherwise.” </p><p>“I’m not,” he says, and it gives another spotlight on his question. </p><p>Gus wipes his mouth and breaks the intense staring for a quick round of seconds before getting back his attention. Along with Jesse’s tone indicator that lent him into thinking otherwise, his glare has changed — something mildly gentle came into Gus’ composure regarding Jesse, and Jesse couldn’t feel any sort of assurance by that. He can still hear Victor choking in his own blood. </p><p>“Well then,” Gus says, and even his voice is different. <em> How many masks does he own? </em> Doesn’t care, Jesse will never know anything other than his anger and his faux cordiality. “You have proved yourself to be more than Walter’s simple assistant or anything else I may have judged before. You have… something I really do appreciate.” </p><p>“Loyalty, you mean.” </p><p>“If that’s what you call it.” </p><p>“It serves for nothing if you’re mad,” Jesse mutters, and it feels like touching a badly healed wound. They have a lot of those. “I’m just—<em>I was </em> a meth head. You can’t trust one. You could’ve gotten rid of me and yet you’ve decided to open one of your man’s throat, and he was loyal. He had something you like, and you killed him.” Then, Jesse let his eyes fall on the soup. “I killed Gale and you saw loyalty in me. Why?” </p><p>Gus fell silent. His fingers twitch and Jesse notices that, but thinks it’s just his mind playing tricks. Gus doesn’t falter, but he does. Pinkman did it when he had the chance to poison a whole saucepan full of soup, and it wasn’t because of him himself getting intoxicated, it was because of Fring as well. It was, and he doesn’t know why it was, but it was going to be another lie to be told to Walter. </p><p>Jesse felt anxious. He wanted an answer. A yes, no, whatever, he needed something because he’s too scared of Gus’ quietness. It made him sick in the stomach and it lacked education to be on a dinner and to not eat the dinner itself, but hell, Gus is a part of Jesse that hides too many bad feelings, and the slightest sign of compassion made him feel slightly less bad about himself. It’s stupid, even. At least, Fring is not trying in a way that hurts, that makes him bleed later. Perhaps it will, and Jesse doesn’t avoid the terrible possibility. </p><p>“Between Mr. White and me,” Jesse says, “I don’t get why would you even give it a chance.” And he raises his face, glaring at Gus, a genuine question surfacing his shiny blue eyes. “You’ve seen enough from us.” </p><p>“I don’t think so,” he says, raising his eyebrows like he knows that there’s more. Of course there is, but nothing is actually pleasant for both parties. </p><p>Jesse tries to read him. It’s an unconscious action his body does; his eyes focus on the expression marks of his face and the way his eyebrows have raised, even the short twitch of his hand goes considered. Yet, he gives up on the midtime and reaches for the wine glass that was untouched until now. It’s too risky and Jesse doesn’t know what things purposely unseen he would see in him. He had never risked into trying to analyze Gus, all because Gus is just… perfectly collected and unexplainably calm, and it’s even frightening to face it after what he heard from him, knowing that whatever Fring does has a why. And if he drew cordiality and presented it to a man like Pinkman, then maybe…</p><p>Jesse, then, closes his eyes and waves his head. By his own insistence, he sips a spoon of the soup and it’s delicious, and it helps him into growing some hunger. Then he sips again. He knows Gus is insistently observing him with a shine in his eyes, glad that he’s enjoying; and Jesse doesn't complain. Perhaps, if he stops wondering why and why and why, and <em> why him </em> mostly, then maybe he’ll get the smallest glimpse of peace by condescending to what’s given to him. Maybe his mind will stop putting so much effort into neglecting and he’ll relax a little by accepting the lie. </p><p>In any way, Jesse is tired. And he’s fine with what Gus says. Guess it feels better than if it was said by anyone else’s mouth. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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